Pursed Lip Glare

Absolute boredom has enveloped me. Absolutely.

I find it extremely ironic that the day I decide to post on livejournal after ages of postponing or forgetting, I see that Ryan has recently posted as well. Haha. Aquarians.
So. School is out. We've been living out at The Building for a little over a month now. Our house is freezing but it's fun to be living together and the cuteness of buying groceries together is only just starting to wear off. Lately we've been talking more and more which has made a big difference. We're so isolated out there and since I quit my job I've had very little to do, so I find that I'm grabbing at human contact a little more ravenously than usual. But our problems are not huge or overwhelmingly unconquerable. I love his family, including BOTH mothers (which is unusual for me as we all know) and he loves mine.

For the past few weeks things have felt a little off both in my body and my mind. The pain in my stomach that lasted through the summer had gone away and has now returned full throttle. Ugh. And I'm off the pill due to several...uh...conditions that started with the removal of my wisdom teeth. I'm so allergic to Vicadin. Yuck. Last week I had to go to the ER because I cut my hand completely open. I was home alone, no neighbors were home, I was getting no service inside the house and wearing clothing entirely inappropriate for going outside (not to mention how cold it was) and my hand is sliced open in two places, I can see to the bone on one of them, I'm gushing blood EVERYWHERE (there were arches of it across the walls from me running up and down the stairs twice, screaming) all from washing a tall glass with a sponge. I caution strongly against it. But eventually I ran outside and called 911 (the dispatcher was fucking retarded as fuck and kept telling me to "calm down and just don't focus on it." What the fuck? I was NOT panicking at all, besides being a little out of breath from running up and down the stairs trying to get service, and she finally had to go get someone to tell me that I should just wrap it up and wait. Jesus) But the EMT's were cute and flirted with me the whole way there, and the doctor was nice even though he had to give me a whoppin 14 stiches. So that was fun.
Other than that I've been all right physically, but really unclear about how I feel about anything. I'm lonely. I've only ever been lonely once and that was when everyone went away to college the first semester. But I also feel like I'm wasting time. I can't tell if I just don't know what I want or if I'm not willing to admit it to myself. Either way, I'm scared as hell to try. I definitely don't want to be a teacher anymore but I might suffer through it depending. One more semester until I can trasfer, but I'm stretching it to two because Adam has 2 more years in this area anyway until he's done with his apprenticeship. I just wish somehow I would have an epiphany or sorts and just realize what it is I have to do.
So that is the I hope tolerably boring account of my life at present. Any questions, give me a call.
And Ryan, I miss you and our LOOOOONG conversations dreadfully. Remember Christmas Eve last year? Didn't we talk until 4am?
Love to you all and Happy Solstice.

Well Aria and Adam have officially moved out. We are living in Sebastopol now and our house is so cute, if not a little bit in want of furniture. I am happier than I think I've ever been, although I am starting to realize some things about myself that I didn't notice before.
Anyway, we don't have a computer yet, but keep emailing me! I miss everyone.

Sooooooooooooooooooo. I had the urge to post on livejournal. Silly me. Don't I know that no one wants to read the piddly little details of my life.
Hmm, speaking of piddly little details, here are some.
1) my blood tests came back relatively normal but I still have to have x-rays done on my stomach to make sure everything's all right. And I am definitely diabetes and mono free, which is nice.
2) Adam got really upset yesterday when I referred to him as only my boyfriend? Hmmm...very suspicious of possible LARGE celebration in NEAR future, but I'm not saying anything.
3) School has started and I want more than anything to quit my job. I'm working on it.
4) We are moving very very very soon. I can't wait. I just need a car and a job in Sebastopol.
5) Well basically, I'm happy. I'm so in love with this boy. So.

Other than that, everything is wonderful. We smoke kind of too much but that's never hurt anyone. Haha.
AND I'm not sure who I told about breaking Adam's 2 foot bong in half the other day, but (he wasn't mad and just started laughing when I ran out to his car crying when he got home) it turns out our friends who blow glass can fix it maybe! All they need is a really big torch and they can melt the two pieces back together. YAY!!!

I miss you all, can't WAIT to come up to Chico to visit my Tiz and my little Sis. We will come up sooner than soon.
And to those of you on the Oregon side of the border, we'll make it up there within the next three months fo sho.

I love you all.

So. Today is my first day back to school. I haven't written on livejournal in a very long time, but I'm sure no one even noticed.
I'm killing time before calling Adam.
My stomach is still killing me but after about 3 months of this fucking agonizing pain I'm going to the doctor on Friday.
All right folks, I'm about to collapse from combination exhaustion and nausea. EVERYONE must call me.

WE'VE FINALLY NAMED HER!!! KAYA BLUE. What terrible parents we'll be. It took us two months to name our gorgeous glass baby. Hahaha.
I have no idea where all the time has gone. I think the last time I posted was at the very beginning of Adam and Aria. Haha.
So right now I'm being a loser at home. I'm pathetic really...I haven't had a real day off in a few weeks (very dramatic, I know, but that's what it's felt like) and this week I somehow ended up with yesterday and today off. The awful part, is that Adam is at work and Zoerima is now on vacation. It's 2:48pm. Adam is working in Novato right now and gets off work at about 3. I'm counting minutes. I had to go into work for an hour today to do my order and I suddenly found myself trying to think of excuses to stay there and have something to do. I lost interest in painting my nails...I did my hair and watched the second half of Fight Club. I have a love/hate relationship with that movie. It's one of those things that just stress me out because I'm intelligent enough to realize that what the Brad Pitt character is encouraging is the right way to think, but then I'm also brainwashed enough to imagine that there MIGHT be some kind of (fucking kill me for saying this) "GOD" and a happy ending if everyone would just suck it up and try a little bit harder to stop thinking about their personal bullshit. AUGH.
Not that I'm any one to talk. I think about my personal bullshit the greater part of the day. I'm full of it.
2:52pm. Oh god I'm pathetic. I'm sitting by an open window in the living room and the trees are making the sunlight reflect on the glass in sharp little slices. But every time something moves (like a leaf) I jerk my head up and think Adam is home. Haha.
I'm bored.
I think I'll go give Kaya some lovin.

I have been with Adam for a month tomorrow. How strange that I saw him for the first time in two years, a month ago tomorrow. He makes me incredibly happy and we are comfortable together, which is both odd and not at the same time. The only disappointments I have with this situation as a whole (which I realized at midnight last night while I listened to him breathe) is that I got very little time to "wonder" and have a crush on him. I was nervous the first couple of times we hung out...but then we just got into the swing of everything and I feel like I've been with him forever. There's no "getting to know you" about it. We just know. And that's the part that stresses me out and makes me want to scream. I adore him. I know I do, but I keep thinking that I'll get over it and ruin everything or that he'll realize he doesn't really want to be with me after all of this time.

And then there's the new issue at hand. We've been talking about it and I'm terrified. I never thought I'd be the one of all of my friends to go through this, but when it comes down to it, it makes perfect sense. And making it a reality is very hard for me. That's the funny thing about me: I'm incredibly dramatic about everything that is only SORT OF happening in my life, and then when something very serious happens, I don't want to talk about it. That must be the Scorpio in me, and I do have quite a bit.

Adam is going to Chico not this weekend but next weekend. I would have gone with him in a second but I'm doing this huge show thing...a fundraiser for the little girls whose Daddy died a couple weeks ago. There's supposed to be about a thousand people there, which will be nice. I haven't sung in front of that many people in like 5 years.

All right I get the idea. Everyone is writing these extensive journal entries and it got me feeling guilty that I was writing entries that really meant nothing to me or anyone else for that matter. So here we go. This is how Aria actually feels, right now:

I am altogether the happiest I can ever remember being, and also floating in a kind of trance. I adore him, I worship him, he makes me laugh more than anyone does (could be the weed) and I feel...oh god I hate admitting this on a public site, but I have to because I'm like that...I feel like I have known him as long as I can remember, and even before that. His body is familiar to me as is his voice, his touch and his smell. Waking up in his arms is waking up where I feel like I've always belonged. But then I start to worry. These feelings are so unlike me. I am never this happy for this extensive a period of time. I mean, just as an example, the week before my period I generally HATE everyone and want to be left alone. And the worst I've been to him is to feel worried. I'm such a dweeb.

So far the cool things Aria has done in front of her boyfriend are:
#1 In a drunken stupor she was trying to get him to pitch her a baseball, while she sat on the ground waving the bat until she hit herself in the head...
#2 Has managed to fall off of the bed during a "sexy" or "romantic" moment not once, not twice, but three times...
#3 Has slammed head against the wall trying to lean down against the pillows in a seductive manner.

I know I'm missing some good ones, but that drunken bat story is much more extensive and I can't wait to tell all of you in person. It's much funnier. And he just laughs at me or kisses me. He doesn't ever rescue me, but I think I can handle it.

I feel like I haven't been present for what has happened in my life in the past two weeks and I can't decide if that is wonderful or frightening. Maybe a little bit of both.
There's so much I want to say that I can't for lack of words. But I'll try because if I don't record it now, I'll have to no proof of anything I am feeling right now. Haha. Livejournal is always wonderful for blackmailing myself.

The minute he walked up, I was...not comfortable exactly, but familiar. Like he was someone who always walks up and finds me. Which turns out to be the case. He always finds me first. And he's so wonderful. I can't even explain how happy he makes me and how perfectly we fit together. I'm only tall enough to just fit under his chin. *SIGH*
I haven't laughed this much, this genuinely in a really really long time.
Or slept this deeply next to someone. Every time I wake up I feel like I've been snuggled and kissed and dreaming for days.

I just don't want to wake up yet.

So for the second time in my life (even though we agreed that the first time didn't even count) I am Adam Wofford's girlfriend.
Life is sweet.

Today. What happened today?
I worked all morning. Ginger was stressed but in kind of an enjoyable way. So that was nice. I had so much to do that the day went by incredibly fast. I honestly wish that he would just not come back from his trip (I don't wish anything violent to happen!) and life would continue on just peacefully and wonderfully. Sigh. I can't even breathe when this new person walks by me now. He walked by this morning and I just stared, and sighed really loud and Ginger started laughing. Ahhh. He's so beautiful, but mostly he just reminds me of someone and I know who, but will not admit it.

Then I went home and it was still early enough to cut roses in the garden. So I rushed out (without any shoes on...ah summer) and cut roses for about half an our. Tiny rosebuds all chillin together in this little basket. And I was singing so loudly that I didn't hear my dad come into the front yard. All the sudden he started singing very loudly in horrible vibrating falsetto. I was so startled. Hahaha. My dad is a nerd. I spent the rest of the hour stringing them into those gorgeous chains my mama used to make when I was a little girl. And I watched the most hilarious movie ever. I literally laughed out loud more than once and cried at the end. And it was animated.

School was actually kind of fun and the bus ride wasn't so bad. There was a darling little boy sitting near me and he had the tiniest little voice, so that when he spoke in Spanish it was the sweetest thing I think I've ever heard. We were playing this kind of peek-a-boo game without the hands and the mom kept on looking at me like "oh god, you're such a dweeb."

All in all, I feel incredibly good. Horrible about myself. I can't even look in the mirror anymore...but the weather is incredible and if I don't spend too much time thinking about myself, life is good.

Feeling terribly nostalgic right now.
I had this horrible craving for this one song that I remember being Tizzy's favorite at one point in high school, so I got out every mix she ever made me and sat on the floor in my living room and skipped through every single cd until I found the one. I miss that girl terribly.
My dad was sitting on the computer and some random song came on and he was like "wait a sec, what's this, SKA?" and I was like "oh yeah. Dad, this is not just ANY ska, this is the Chicken Rock." He was not impressed. Haha, remember girls?
I love you all and will hallucinate you when I'm shroomin tonight!

Oh I'm such a dweeb.
That was basically all I had to say for today. It's 4 fuckin' 20 y'all, you better be celebrating!
I've been thinking about a lot lately. Apparently a friend of my dad's, another dad from the school got killed on his bike by a drunk driver yesterday. I didn't know this person, although I'm sure I've met him more than once, and I know his wife only barely. But how incredibly, disgustingly unfair. He has two (I think) young daughters who will have to live the rest of their lives knowing that they used to have a wonderful daddy.

And this brings me to another subject. I'm reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Stunning work. I don't know why I hadn't read it before. The book is broken down into sections, and although it all takes place in the third person, the person of a narrator whom you never meet, but who will once in a while use the word "I," you are never quite sure who the main character is because each section belongs to someone different. The first section, the main character was so painfully parallel to the one I love that I could barely read it for frustration. He is a very free man, an unattached lover of many women, but has found one he is drawn to because she seems a delicate creature he must protect. Personally I hate her because she is not me. But he realizes that although he has never been able to sleep beside a woman he has just made love to, he is able to sleep beside her. She becomes ill and he lies beside her every moment, thinking that if she dies, he would have to die too. Will I ever love like that? I believe I do.

All right party people, I know that we all barely talked about Reggae on the River, but I think I suggested it to all of you and you all know how much fun it would be to FINALLY all go camping together on the Eel like we've been trying to do for the last 7 years or so. Anyway, here's the point: Reggae is a three day show with tons of great bands (SPEARHEAD!!!) August 6, 7, 8 and it costs $150. I know that seems like a lot but we'd have so much fun and y'all know it's totally worth it. But tickets sell out FAST. I have to buy mine by Thursday, so if anyone is still interested in going, let me know and I'll even fork out the cash for you (for now anyway!)
I love you all and hope we get to boogie down on the river!
Peace.

Tizzy,Heather,Derek, and Ryan, thank you for last week. I love you all dearly.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Fantastic book. Really. I am so enthralled, which is an incredible feeling after how many months of feeling...stoic and apathetic. But the book is distracting me. Tomas is so clearly defined in my mind and I find myself desperately and achingly in love with him. Tereza, a creepy reflection of aspects of my personality I would rather not acknowledge, frightens me.

I am determined to be less apathetic in general.

Right now I am absolutely exhausted. I have no idea why. Work sucked this morning and something shitty happened that really shouldn't have and now I have ANOTHER harrassment case on my hands that the fucking human resources person not only witnessed, but was involved in. So I have to talk to Ginger about it tomorrow. It was not cool.

ALl in all it was SOOOO nice to have last night to myself. I had NO desire to go out and had I gone out I would have been dreadfully bored (for a change? I think not) So I spent the night in, saw one of my X's but not for long and then spent the evening writing horrible poetry and watching movies I haven't seen in forever. I plan on spending this evening in exactly the same way.

The whole car situation is ridiculous. I hate public transportation in this state. It just sucks. It feel dirty and unsafe and for some reason I feel much more vulnerable on the Sonoma County Transit bus than I ever have on the subway in New York. Today was convenient because my mom was home sick with some kind of flu symptoms so my dad drove me to work AND picked me up AND drove me to school AND will pick me up later. So that's nice. Of course, I got here just before 2 and I don't have class until 3, so that kind of sucsks, but the fact that I don't have to walk from the transit mall to school is worth it. Sort of.

I'm so happy to be free from everyone right now. Good Lord girls (you know who you are, I think) I miss you so dreadfully, you have no idea. I need some time spent alone with JUST US to help me remember who I am and what it is that makes me the happiest. Nothing in my life right now is making me happy in any way. In fact, nothing in my life right now is making me feel anything other than bored.

All in all, the fact that every area of my life feels like something I just have to "get through" would be all right, if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I guess summer is kind of like that, but I'll still be working and there's nothing I can do about that. And after that it will be London, but still...that isn't an entirely friendly prospect. The weather is already getting to me and I won't be there for another 4 or so months.

She's got everything delightful, she's got everything I need, takes the wheel when I'm seeing double, pays my ticket when I speed.

He's incredible. Beautiful and mysterious and perfect. I wonder where this will go and whether anyone will know but us. Right now that makes it all the more romantic.

I got into a huge car accident.
I had never gotten into an accident before and it was not even in my own car, it was in my dad's which sucked even more.
I was driving on Highway 12 and lost control over near Oakmont. Luckily I was on my way into Santa Rosa and swerved over to the right (out of traffic) and not into the traffic going at 60 mph. I got only a rugburn on my wrist and a bruise on my knee. The car was totalled. I was shaking when I got out of the car and didn't even realize for a couple of days just how lucky I am to be alive.

But lately I've been wondering if I appreciate that blessing as much as I should. Within two days of my accident, the accident that allowed me to continue with the great joys of living on this incredible planet, I was stressed about all of the things I have to do in the next couple of days, weeks, months, years. And I began to realize that the request I've been writing in my personal journal, the one that I would never admit out loud simply because I would never want to explain myself to the people I would receive strong reaction from, was not met by the events of last Thursday. It would have been so simple. I would be so relieved. But it didn't happen the way it should and here I am back at school, typing on my livejournal and wondering why the fuck it's necessary for me to be here at all.

I am not entirely unhappy, I am just...apathetic. My life does not involve me right now. In fact, my life is probably farther from anything personal than it ever has been. My life does not revolve around myself and it does not revolve around anyone else for that matter. I am no longer the lead role in my own life, but not a supporting role either. This movie is not about character, it is more of a documentary of sorts, poorly edited and making no aboslute point.

And then there is him. He drives me crazy. Every moment I've spent with him has been the most incredibly dizzying experience of my life, but still we cannot be together due too all of the complications involved. I spent a night with him only about a week ago, entirely in secret. In fact, I went out afterwards. I left him around midnight wondering why I was even going. Why is it that this first love since as long as I can remember has to be carried out in such secret? I don't know. Maybe I just want him all to myself and the complications involve too many people for it to make any sense. I would have so much explaining to do. AUGH. I just wish...well...that Thursday could have worked out just a little bit differently.

And she is stunning. Absolutely the most beautiful woman I have met in my life, incredible inside and out. Sent to me on a lavender cloud. Ahhh. We are so in love.

URGH. I got a raise today and I don't ever want to see the creepy Yerba Mate guy again. I have no qualms about giving up the best sex of my life. It's the fact that thinking about this guy makes me think wistfully about the old X6 that I try not to think about, which is never a good thing.
I had a revelation recently though. Here is some background leading to the revelation: Lately I have just been turned off to sex. It is entirely unappealing and due to that fact guys (and girls) just look disgusting. Literally, NO ONE looks good to me and the entire idea of it gives me a stomach ache. Strange. This is not normal for me. I'm supposed to be this sexual 20 year old girl and lately I can't even write POETRY about sex. Something is wrong. So onto the revelation: I realized that regardless of my current opinions regarding sex, there is still ONE PERSON I am attracted to in any way they might present themselves. They are the very first X (I think) and though I am afraid I am only attracted to them because they seem like the safest person to be attracted to (due to the fact that he is the only one NOT attracted to me in any way, I think) I adore him. I really really do. Everything about him. Haha.
So yeah. That's the latest in the life of me.
Peace.

Haha, guess what kids? I just took an IQ test and I got 138. That means "highly gifted." Oh man I sure am. Haha.